a deep breath

I've spent the last couple months researching away for a fellowship that a friend recommended I apply to. I saw it as an opportunity to get funded to travel and make one of my creative ideas happen with some international influence.

I feel like I could be wasting time in a fantasy world, talking with friends online that I haven't met in real life, instead of working on this - but that is real life. they're real people. writing proposals for cultural arts funding seems like more of a fantasy to me because the people I'm writing for want a cold impersonal strategy for my intentions. they seem more lifeless than the other people... and definitely less interested.

I want to give up all the time.
then I tell myself, 'you're almost done, why give up now?'
then I look at my checklist of what's left and want to give up again.
I would hope to be a person who doesn't give up on anything. who always follows through. it's a loyalty thing.
but I realize sometimes you have to let go of the extra things in life that aren't contributing to making you feel alive.
it's not that it's too hard, or that I can't focus, or that I think I have bad ideas.
it's more that this idea doesn't seem suited to what they are looking for. the way I want to make this idea happen won't make them happy.

so maybe I should stop wasting everyone's time right now and give up?

I've always struggled with planning ahead and I realize to do this type of proposal you really need to plan ahead. to start maybe a year ahead of time.
even if I had done that, it would still be an incredible challenge.

I want to focus on developing my strengths instead of struggling to make my weaknesses look decent.
I just want to be lazy sometimes and not keep up this facade of being a scholarly type. I've never been that.
I want to have time to do the things I'm good at and enjoy and not feel guilty for it.

I give up.
I don't give up on the things I actually care about.
I give up so I can care more about those things.