pause/still

indian summer. just got back from seattle and vancouver bc before that and it's been hot. we were wondering why it was 60 in canada and came to the states to realize it was 80 here. it's october. what's going on? well now that i'm back my feeling is that i'm over portland. i'm done. i'm ready to move as soon as opportunity arises. like a job. i think i'm just really frustrated by the fact that it's been so hard for me to find work. i keep telling myself, 'just keep trying harder,' and still nothing. i know that right now i'm supposed to be living in portland. after the end of this year i'm not sure. and i don't make plans. this is funny because of what happened yesterday. at first i thought it was funny and then after telling a friend i realized my mistake in that. i've had a lot on my mind today and have been blocked from correcting my lack of communication skills. i hope that my feelings about wanting to leave portland aren't just my running away from the situation, but i'm afraid they are. i need to act like a grown up and work through this in a mature way. if i keep running away then nothing is ever going to happen.